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ShrewKat's Journal

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2010.03.15  02.56
All gone

I had laprascopic surgery on Thursday the 11th by an absolute expert. Total hysterectomy and throw in lopping off the appendix and gall bladder (stones were evident in the MRI) as well. I'm healing and recovering. Doing pretty good. I think I am having more effects from the gall bladder removal (some nausea and more pain in that are) than the rest. I am completely and utterly amazed by modern medicine.

I had to have the hysterectomy since adenamyosis had become -deeply- rooted and was causing problems. The other ovary (the one left by the surgery before) was showing signs on endomytriosis again, too. And, as I noted above, gall stones, rather sizable, actually.

So now... hopefully the Hormone Replacement Therapy won't go horridly wrong and I'll go back to normal for a lot longer than the last time *chuckle*.

This was, though, the right thing at the right time. I don't regret anything (or so I say right now *laugh*).

I am drinking a tonne of water. It's the best thing to keep the nausea at bay, for me.

 
 


 
  2009.06.29  03.15
Fan Faire 2009 - Vegas

I'm convinced Vegas just wants to kill me or something.

Two years ago, my back went to incredible pain from the bad bed and horrible chairs at Fan Faire. Last year walking the Mile flared pain up incredibly in my lower back area (and not much later I had surgery in that region for something girly and A LOT of my back issues cleared up or started getting dramatically better). This year, I had very -minor- back issues waking Sunday and was thrilled to be feeling so great since it really was an indication my health has improved so much.

Then...

I get to the Vegas airport to head out and, with a medium-sized box of costume and my suitcase occupying my hands and arms and giving me no counter-balance ability, my foot twists under me pitching me on to my knee (no clue why my foot twisted). Left knee and right foot are now in excruciating pain and I'm thinking I should get both x-rayed (or at least the foot).

Vegas wants to kill me, I'm sure of it *laugh*

When I don't move, I don't hurt. Both don't appear to be swollen in comparison with their counterparts, but I always have problems with looking like swelling in those areas (heat and weight). It's so hard to not put weight on either the left knee or the right foot so getting up and walking are exercises in 'how can I not swear at the pain'.



Mood: amused
 
 


 
  2009.06.13  23.44
Vicodin

The pain is somewhere in Phoenix, I think. I can think, I think, but the fog is a bit thick in trying to get the thoughts outside of my head.

 
 


 
  2009.06.10  20.43
The gall of it!

I had a bit of a.. umm.. crisis.

I had a really sharp lasting pain on Saturday afternoon under my ribs below my right breast. Even though it was like nothing I'd ever had before, I assumed it was digestive related since it occurred while I was eating (and continued for about 4-5 hours). It went away. I still felt a bit junky but nothing really -bad- and no horrid pain.

Sunday I felt ucky, but nothing really that I could put my finger on.. and assumed the pain on Saturday was digestive or the start of a stomach flu or something 'cause I was on the edge of nausea but not really to the point of throw-y-up-y, just.. bleah. I ate real sparingly and had some minor minor twinges of pain but nothing that would be out of the "this is a digestive issue or stomach flu" range.

Monday I went to work. I wasn't feeling 100% but nothing I could put my finger on and say "yes I am sick with the flu". I still considered Saturday's oddity to have been digestive. A couple hours after I had lunch (steamed vegies with Lean Pockets chicken+spinach+artichoke), I started to get a bit of pain in the same place as Saturday. It wasn't an instant onset (like Saturday had been), but it was making me feel rather wane and increasingly owie. By the time to leave, I was starting to get to the point of pain interfering with deep thought. I still figured it was digestive.

After work we ran to the Sprint store to get my Touchstone that they were holding for me. I found standing was actually less painful than sitting and sitting in the car seemed to escalate the pain a bit. Thrax needed to run an errand back at Central so I waited in the car because I wanted it to be quick 'cause my pain was escalating badly. We picked up burgers just because it was quick and I wasn't feeling up to doing any cooking and we were both hungry.

Getting home, while I was eating, my pain escalated to.. well.. a 12 on the scale of 1 to 10 (Saturday had topped at about 8). It stayed that high for.. well.. more than 4 hours. Still, it looked triggered by food, so.. digestive? stomach flu?

Tuesday I stayed home 'cause I woke up with a bit of nausea and and overall bleah-ness. I still figured digestive or stomach flu and figured drowning it in tea would help flush whatever (I've had digestive issues in the past.. no, not with the same ferocity of pain... but.. umm.. yeah). I drank lots of tea including some mint tea infused from leaves picked from the garden and ate sparingly. I had a bit of heartburn which fed into my belief it was some digestive ailment.

Tuesday night around 9:30/10 I started to get pain again, about a 3 (on that 10 scale). It was making me.. umm.. low frustration level, but still wasn't completely outside of the realm of "this is a normal digestive ailment" but I decided I was going to go see a doctor if I still felt icky in the morning. I went to bed early and was able to find a comfortable position and promptly fell asleep.

At 5am Wednesday, the pain was enough to wake me up. It was only about a 5, but it coupled with Thrax taking a shower within the range of my bladder's hearing was enough to get me up and moving. The pain was definitely escalating. By 5:30 I told Thrax I wanted to go Emergency.

We got to the Emergency at 6:10 (on 6/10 *chuckle*) and the wait was short short to get a bed and get the initial visit by the doc. Doc's first pronouncement was likely Gall and he wanted to run tests. Oh.. I forgot -that- organ is in -that- spot. Makes sense. Pain was getting up to 7. Doc offered pain killer by I was still within tolerance range and knowing where the pain is can help for diagnosing it.

After the blood draws, the doc stopped by again and said I have elevated liver enzymes so he was worried a stone was stuck between them and said he was going to talk to a surgeon (eeeeep!) and was sending me to ultrasound. He offered pain killer again but it was holding steady at 7 so I was okayish (I really hate taking pain killer and other meds unless I -really- need it). I did, however take up the offer of pain killer when it hit 8 on its way to 9 before the ultrasound.

The ultrasound showed nothing stuck, so no surgery needed (phew) for now. The elevated liver enzyme bugs the doc so he wants another test (more blood, weeeeee) and for me to get follow-up with a gastro-intesti... something. The really good news is that the blood work showed I also don't have the secondary infection (which can be bad bad).

So.. gall stones.. I have Vicodin now. I need to monitor how things are.. umm.. passing.. and if I have fever, get me to a doctor.

Oh.. and I need to drop more fat from my diet 'cause that makes the gall work and the gall working makes the stones do the unhappy dance in my belly (well, not -in- my belly.. in my gall which is in that 'belly' area).

Note: morphine is lovely and not only makes pain go away you don't care you ever had it :)

I'll be okay. I'm glad I went to the Emergency 'cause it could have been worse and now I know what it is and why it hurt so incredibly bad in -that- spot (radiating from it to almost my full chest and back once it hit 8+ with everything at 8+). Now I need to do research on what I should be eating *sigh*



Mood: pained
 
 


 
  2009.06.07  03.31
:)

I has Pre :)

#30 at the Union Landing Sprint store this morning.

Ghods! I love geek toys!

The gestures are almost intuitive. The first time I read it, I get it. Training my finger takes a couple tries sometimes because the touch screen is A LOT more sensitive than I expect it to be.

I had to get my bluetooth sync working for my Treo (USB sync doesn't work in XP64), so I could transfer stuff. The transfer worked slick as a whistle.

Now I just need to find a case or sleeve with a pocket to become my 'wallet' and I will be set.

It's a lot more easy to slip the Pre into my pocket than the Treo. It's sooooo pretty.

 
 


 
  2009.05.24  02.57
bleah

Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's a cycle of depression or a dose of reality.

I'm feeling very... forlorn and alone.

 
 


 
  2009.05.03  14.31
Lost in Free Realms

Free Realms is a brand new game (went live on Wednesday) that's a free to play (with optional microtransactions and monthly membership) MMOG which launches from your browser. There are tonnes of mini games and quests and things. The main target audience is kids, but it's fun for adults, too, especially those who like puzzles and games.

The graphics are a bit cartoony, but not eye-bleedingly so. You can be human or pixie. Every available job is open to you. You switch between jobs with a Wonder Woman like twirl. Some jobs are combat oriented (like brawler and ninja) but others never have any combat at all (like cook and miner). The world in gorgeous and as you wander about, if you encounter something 'agressive' you have to actually click on them to start the combat mini-game. Even the music is pleasant or fun.

I'm not sure if our (Thrax and me) "obsession" with it is because it's new or just because we're finding it VERY fun. We both have membership because we're Station Access subscribers and it's an SOE game, but we played without membership status the last few weeks of beta and found quite a lot to do without the $5/mo membership status.

Haven't bought anything from the Station Market yet (the microtransactions) but it IS tempting. I kinda do want to have a pet following me about and stuff.

I almost forgot one thing, as a chef, you can wield a spatula as your "weapon". *giggles*



Mood: amused
 
 


 
  2009.04.24  05.47


Why there is a moving stage where the more you pack the more stuff you still need to pack?

We bought more boxes.



Mood: exhausted
 
 


 
  2009.04.23  06.15
T-minus 2 days...

On Saturday we're moving from Fremont (apartment, large 1 bedroom which has been overly cramped for more than 6 months) to Newark (house, 4 bedroom with patio enclosure, garage, and a 'living room' that will be really nice as our computer room). Packing-wise.. we're running out of boxes but all that's left is the kitchen, 1/2 of the bedroom, the desks (about 2/3 done), the computers, and odds and ends. Definitely into the home stretch.

The humorous bit is that the number part of the address is the same number as the model number of one of the new cellular radio modules we've started working with: 5727.

The street (well, actually a drive) is a saint and the first book of a testament that's new.

How's all that for being cryptic and stuff :)

Oh... and between work stress and moving stress, I'm surprised I haven't had a complete break down.



Mood: amused
 
 


 
  2009.01.29  21.44
The omniousness of an unscheduled staff meeting

We had the 'layoffs' department meeting today with the company-wide one tomorrow. For now, my job is safe, but.... No matter the assurance your own job isn't going to be cut in the planned future, you still worry.

This does mean I put my nose even further to the grindstone and learn more of the language skills I've been working on. I should probably take a class on it to have 'proof' I know something about it *sigh*.

As much as I like learning stuff, I hate taking computer type classes because I'm forced to stay at the slow pace when I'd rather be bounding forward in leaps and jumps of 'getting it'. Yeah, if I took an actual class I might finally 'get' pointers and addresses instead of working around them *laugh*. (I understand them in theory, I know exactly what they do, I can even follow their logic, or lack of, in other people's code, I just was never able to implement them in my own). I'm also -very- project oriented when it comes to learning stuff and pushing the project's boundaries out which was a real problem when I did take some computer classes while working on my BA. I figured out more about the system and how to make it do special stuff than my teacher even knew was possible (and had directly said wasn't possible in a few cases).

But yeah I haven't taken a college level computer related class since '89 so.. it might be different now.

*sigh*

I've got the project I'm working on still to about 3/4 done. I lost momentum when I hit a complex bit that required a couple re-thinks.. I also let myself get pressured to log into game more.

My birthday is coming up. We're taking Thurs/Fri off to hopefully go do -something- somewhere 'not home'. I want to go where the air is.. fresher. Just not home, though. I actually do want to bring the computers and stuff.. just to be able to step outside and it not be home.

 
 


 
  2009.01.16  15.02
PHP + MySQL + Javascript + the DOM that keeps spanking me

Well, actually the DOM has been behaving decently, except when it comes to IE...

Anyway..
I was heartened to hear one of our latest (and greatest) projects at work, a client/server browser accessed modem management thingy, is done in PHP/MySQL. I know it also has to use XML 'cause a lot of the modem's interface is XML. BUT, this does mean that my other stated goal of my project (self-teach more PHP/MySQL, etc) is actually decent.

So... how goes the project that seems to never end?

I'm still working on the last data entry section and haven't started on the complex search options.

The last data entry bit IS the most complex section and it seems to keep growing on me as I realise I need to cover thus and so contingent.. Then, as I am on the verge of getting it done in the 'user' area, I realise I really truly need the 'admin' area for it sooner (partly because it's a way to add selections easier) so I can even test the 'user' area functionality without having to enter a lot in via command line with SSH. Sheesh. This one section is taking me A LOT longer than I thought it would.

I wanted to go 'alpha' before the holidays. I wanted to go 'alpha' at the end of the holiday weekends (where I took ONE day off in addition to the 4 holiday days because I really didn't want to have a Mon, Tues, Fri work week with Wed, Thurs off). I wanted to go 'live' for my b-day. I wanted to go 'beta' for my b-day. Now it looks like 'alpha' might come with my b-day. *sigh*

And then, of course, while I was trying to go back to sleep (after 4 before 5), I remembered something else I wanted to put in. Then when putting that in to one of the spots I realised it was applicable to more spots....

I need to add columns in the various tables, add code to the 'user' side, finish code on the 'admin' pages, and then I can continue seeing if the functionality works.. by entering in options.

Making the whole site so it is mostly updated by those who use it is a HEAP of work on the backside. Why not wiki? I wouldn't have been able to make it do what I wanted to do.. and besides, I'm learning more this way.

I do, though, need to put several things into Functions instead of how they are now. Some of that will come in the optimising passes later.

The teaser: EQ2 Closet to come



Mood: accomplished
 
 


 
  2008.11.18  15.00
obsessive

EQ2's new expansion launches today, but, even though I am an avid player, I'd rather be working on my new web page.. that's for the game *laugh*.

php + mysql + scads of screenshots that need to be cropped.. geesh.. this is going to take me for-ever.

I probably could have gone to work this week, I am feeling mostly fine, but.. I want to have the time to work on this, darn it!

Oh.. and we ordered take-away feast from Claim Jumper for next Thursday. That way we can have left overs and I don't have to do a big feasty meal thing so soon. I'm actually looking forward to it.

Oh.. and my gynecologist is of the mind to 'wait and see' instead of putting me on DepoLupron or whatnot. I'm getting close to the age of menopause and that -might- solve the issue anyway. So no meds...

I really truly am amazed how many annoyances and borderline ailments are gone now. My back is so not in pain I am dumbfounded. Even my concentration (now that I am almost totally surgery recovered) is much more precise and I can keep multiple abstract thoughts clicking (very helpful for doing the php/mysql).

 
 


 
  2008.11.13  07.17
I want pet!!

One of the tough things about recovery is being stuck at home.. alone. Most days I miss having a furry critter of some sort but in these days of recovery I have been jonesing for a pet so badly. *sigh* Once we move in the Spring to a larger place (hopefully a house) we'll look into the prospect of pet. I'd love to have both a cat and a dog because I like both (cats a nudge more, I will admit). Thrax isn't big on cats so it will likely be a dog only.

 
 


 
  2008.11.10  10.54
"some scabbing in the belly button"

SOME? It looks like someone packed my belly button with reddish brown clay.

Dressings are off, the incisions look good. No bleeding, no inflamation.

Got the pathology report and it looks good. No pre-cancer in the uterine lining. No immediate need for additional surgery. I need to make an appointment with my gynocologist since now he'll be carrying on from this point. Surgeons have so little bedside manner *laugh*

Must resist urge to pick at any of the scabs (especially the belly button). I'll have to wash them gently over the next few days, too.

So... I'm now just in the stamina building phase of recovery. The really irritating part. Well enough to do most things but tiring out waaaay too fast from doing almost anything.

But.. if I have to be off work and on disability, I'm going to get my database/PHP project done.. the one I have been itching to work on for a couple years *laugh*.

 
 


 
  2008.11.08  22.08
Power outages are annoying

The power went out, the two UPSs started protesting loudly, Thrax made a move to shut down the server (connected to one of the UPS) and the power came up. He turned back around to leave it and.. yes... the power went out again.. for an hour or so.

First task was finding a flashlight.. hmm... need a flashlight to find the flashlight?
Second task is candles... matches? oh.. umm... wait.. the lighter thingy for the grill. Now where was that flashlight....

 
 


 
  2008.11.04  12.57
I Voted

Thrax and I voted this morning before he had to go to work. As we were in line, I realised it was the first time we voted -together-. Last election we were an item but didn't live in the same domicile.

So how did I vote? It's my right not to say :) Though I doubt anyone would be much surprised.

Sadly, though, there were a few props I for which I support the issues but not the specific propositions on the ballot. I always hate those ones *sigh*

 
 


 
  2008.11.02  09.52
helpless

I feel so utterly helpless. We went grocery shopping and that 1.5 hours of slow moving completely wiped me out. I can't lift anything heavy. I can't lift anything light for more than a very short bit. I can't walk with anything even approaching a normal gait. I can't bend. I can't lift anything but the lightest stuff if it's below my knees (even putting on pants type stuff is dicey). I tire out from a lot of things after a short bit. etc, etc etc. Yeah I had surgery last week. I am still frustrated at being helpless.

 
 


 
  2008.11.02  07.32
Legitimate critique or foul-mouth diatribe

Why is that any time -any- company decides to restrict profanity and obscenities on message boards they provide as a free service to their players, many (players and non-players alike) get up and arms and claim that thus and so company is stifling criticism?

Is it really necessary to lace dislike of something with a stream of profanity and obscenities? Is it so impossible, now, to express any thought or concept without also including at least one profane word in every sentence? Are paragraphs full on invecture laced with obscenity the only way to get anyone to hear?

Why have we descended so into this morrass of filth and degredation?

This has been a sway-back camel for me for a while. The reactions to EA declaring they'll ban from gameplay those who are banned on their boards for profanity, obscenities, and other inapproptiate language. I think it's marvelous and would be more likely to play one of the games that includes any inter-player contact. However, from the sentiments expressed on /. and, this morning, on User Friendly, all anyone else sees is "censorship" of criticism.

I've also had a big issue with this topic on the SOE EQ2 boards. The EQ2 forum mods keep the board pretty clean. They don't shut down criticism threads IF those threads aren't being flamey for flamey sake (trolls), don't make personal attacks, and don't lace everything with profanity mispelled to get around the filters. There is a 'fan' site forum called EQ2Flames originally started by... well, that's immaterial. Anyway, of course those who don't know how to say anything without a stream of profanity get posts removed from the EQ2 boards. They self-righteously go to the EQ2Flames board and (even if they weren't banned) proudly claim how they were banned for offering legitimate criticism. Yes, there are some people of good wit and intelligence on that board but my ghods it's hard to read anything over there with profanity nearly every other word on many posts.. posts where their writer claims to be so well spoken on thus and so topic and so unjustly "censored" on the EQ2 board for openly criticising... etc etc.

So... the announcement my EA and the resppnse...

Is it really impossible in this day and age to express -any- thought, critical or not, without a stream of invecture? Is it a requirement, to convey any displeasure, that one needs insult, in the basest possible ways, anyone who disagresses with one's premise?

The descent of communication into morass really distresses me. I am a dying breed, I suppose. A fuddy duddy.

The mismatch of pronouns makes me cringe. The misuse of the groups of homonyms makes me roll my eyes. The proliferation of SMS speak ("R U 4 me?) annoys me. And someone who can't spell and either laughs off any attempt to give him proper spellings or complains about people being too picky drives me 'round the bend.

I witnessed a discussion over 1 space after a sentence or 2 and anyone preferring two (the long ago standard) was likened to a dinosaur. I didn't say anything because I do go back to the old standards (which yes, includes using HE/HIM/HIS as the generic pronoun when ONE won't do). I even have the audacity to still use YOU in the generic when I momenarily forget there are those who will see that as a direct attack (when I notice, I switch it to ONE).

*sigh*

 
 


 
  2008.10.29  18.59
Product testing at its finest :)



 
 


 
  2008.10.29  07.23
Impulse buys

In reading one of my usual daily comics (GU: http://www.gucomics.com/comic/?cdate=20081029), I realised that for Thrax and I, our most common impulse purchase seems to be in that plastic case size for DvDs and games. We do have more unopened DvDs stacked about than games, but....

Last year we bought a DvD cabinet that holds nearly 200 DvDs. It was overfull before we got it even with some (those formerly mine only) in DvD binders and more in cabinet cubbies on the entertainment centre and with nearly all the CDs being stuffed into a mega binder. We've looked at other storage solutions, but have decided we can't expand to them until we move to a larger place in Spring (timing for the lease expiry).

When we go shopping -anywhere- and they have DvDs, we both have to stop and look and ponder if we have thus and so or want this and that. The pondering if we already have does bother both of us, but the collection is a tad so the task of cataloguing would be daunting.

I took several of my unopen ones into the bedroom with the computer rigged up there, intending to watch them as I convelese. Anticipating the worst, I figured I might be confined to bed longer than I have been.

Speaking of recovery, I've been very dizzy since Monday evening, so I called my doc yesterday. He wants to check my blood count and presumes it's anemia. I had thought it might be that or the painkiller. I was dizzy with or without the painkiller, so I am back to taking it sporatically. My pain level without it is on the edge of tolerable but it helps reduce the itching of the incision sites *laugh*. Hmm... dizzier in the morning before I've had anything to eat.. yeah.. pretty sure it's just anemia but to be sure is important. Yes, I am, now, taking a multivitamin with iron (the prescribed one last month).

 
 


 
  2008.10.28  07.13
Loopy free

I stopped taking the painkiller at midnight last night. I think it was why I was starting to get a disconnected dizzy (like pre-migraine dizzy) and anyway how can I see if the pain is really going down unless I don't take painkiller every 4 hours? The pain level is about what it was mid-day Sunday with the painkiller so.. it is tolerable and it is A LOT lower than it was. If the dizzy doesn't start going away or starts becoming more naustious, I'll call the doc.

I'm able to move a lot. The transistions still hurt more than the end points but even the transistions are getting stronger as my muscles remember how to work. Every thing is slow and deliberate. I'm happy with my recovery rate, even a bit surprised. But... I also know it's the internals that need to knit up and not just the rest. No quick movements, no lifting of anything more than well almost nothing, nothing whatsoever to cause strain.

The bandaides over the cut points itch like crazy. Not the incisions themselves, the bandages and skin beside them.

No news on the pathology yet.

 
 


 
  2008.10.27  00.10
oophorectomy

Such a funny sounding word. That's the removal of an ovary. I just think the word is goofy. I've seen it so much in the last month and each time I chuckle.

 
 


 
  2008.10.26  06.54
surgery over, now the recovery

The surgery on Friday went well. It took a bit longer than the surgeon expected, cause it was "really stuck" so he kept me over night.

Diagnoses: Endometiosis

Now for the TMICollapse )

It hurts when I move, but the pain in my lower abdomen that I had, especially last week, seems to be entirely gone. I am a bundle of pain, but only from the surgery.

Darvoset (or at least the generic of it) is my friend. In the hospital overnight they had me with a PCA (patient controlled anagesic) morphine into my IV. My pain is a little higher on the Darvoset, but I am more ambulatory.

Waking up is hard to do.. at least with a beathing tube down your throatCollapse )

They were kinda worried about me being so sleepy coming out of surgery, but it was more that I was keeping my eyes shut from the BRIGHT.

PassingCollapse )

 
 


 
  2008.10.18  18.09
fraud

Why, even though a specialist has said he wants to take my girly bit out, do I feel like someone is going to turn around to me and say "you're just faking it"...

The bleeding stopped. Part of me wonders if I hadn't gone to the doctor at the beginning of last month, would it have just stopped on its own. Maybe it means I don't really have that much of a problem?

I don't have great huge amounts of pain. Mild cramping a lot, yes, but for the most part not pain enough to bring tears to my eyes or make me want to scream. Sometimes I do have a bit more pain that other times but it's mostly livable even if it's mostly constant. But low pain is just something to live with, right? It's not something alarming or anything, right? Sure I get stabbing pain from time to time but, well, it doesn't stop me from making my way through the day, right?

The ultasound showed a cyst the size of a tangerine, sure, but what if it just went away on its own? It could have, you know, that's one of the platitudes I was told, if it was just blood-filled it would go away on its own. So if it did just go away, does that mean I was faking having something worse?

I had to fill out paperwork for my time off. My boss was shocked that I have to completely wipe out all my sick days and whatever vacation days I have first before anything else. That actually covers most of my recovery IF it's the least invasive of the surgery and my recovery is the absolute minimum. But... I looked through the paperwork for any days after that. Leave of Absence (during which time I would have to take CA disability, 2/3 pay)... I'll need a doctor's certificate and I looked through it.. recovery from surgery, if it's just bedrest perscribed and not multiple visits to the doctor or constant care (like a hospital), it's not covered. Thus... if I have to take more than 2 weeks of recovery (actually just less than 2 weeks), I won't be able to get a Leave of Absence, I won't be able to get disability, I could even (my manager's assurances to the contrary) be without a job after this is all done because the recovery is only just bedrest.. cause they'll be cutting up the middle of my body. It's not classified as severe medical 'cause I won't be making multiple visits to the doctor during my recovery. As much as I am a work-a-holic and was planning to try to do telecommuting as soon as I am able, I'm going to need to. Whether I am capable of doing my job or not after my saved vacation and sick days are all used up, I will need to because I won't qualify for a Leave of Absence. Even if my doctor doesn't approve of me working from home like that, I will have no choice.. because my recovery isn't a severe medical issue.

I'm probably being paranoid.

Hell... I'm not even convinced that they won't cut me open, take a look, and think they're wasting their time cause I was faking or something.

Yeah.... I was told that a lot as a kid and then when I was married to my ex- (an extension, in many ways, of the bad parts of my childhood). I was even treated like I was faking it when I had my arm in a cast 'cause it was broken.

But I've probably faked everything that's ever happened to me in my life, especially the bad stuff, so why should I change that now?

yeah, some times I feel like I should carry around a medical record or something, to show people who think I am making excuses for stuff right now.

Oh... and why do I leave myself in places/positions/organisations where I can be treated like utter crap and be so totally annoyed at the person "in charge" acting like he owns everyone? I stay in the guild on Guk for some of the people in it, not for the guild leader who pisses me off beyond belief (and yeah, he's one of the ones acting like I'm faking it with the comments made I made a post on my pending surgery). He's a sanctimoneous asshole that treats people, especially the guild officers (yes, I'm one) like utter shit. He is so close to hitting that last straw. I have almost no desire to play on Guk anymore, even with the people I like, because I have to put up with him. Voice chat made it 100 times worse because it's mandatory, especially for officers, any time you're on and he can't stand to let anyone else talk (especially if they have opinions different from his) and hates the sound of silence. He never shuts up! And now he's unemployed (blaming the guild, of course, for building up his stress so he had issues and his contracts dried up) so he's on even more. I -may- be permitted to step down as officer (I posted a resignation based on my health issues about 2 weeks ago) but it has to be discussed. If I am allowed to step down without a LONG absence (the only officers "allowed" to step down were after a prolonged absence and sporatic attendence), there is a strong chance he'll make the issue of my staying or going moot by just kicking me out because I want to step down. I am, though, 100% positive he will talk about me behind my back even more than he has in the past (or present). WHY DO I STAY??? Been asking myself that for months. It's not the raiding. It might be the.. umm.. not wanting to make myself a target ('cause he definately talks smack about people who have left, attributing reasons to them that are 100% false). Hell, when I was spending more out of raid time on Guk and Thrax wasn't, Thrax was being held up to me as the golden boy I should emulate.. never expressing an opinion different than Kendricke's, spending time on Guk (yes, while I was spending more there and Thrax was the one spending more time on AB, go figure), etc. I don't need the stress. I really don't need the stress right now. So.. why do I put up with it?????

It's all in my head, I'm sure.

 
 


 
  2008.10.07  23.04
hurt

I hurt.

Yesterday when I was at the doc, he asked if I had abnormal pain. What's normal pain? I don't generally have pain beyond my tolerance. And most of the time, with this, it's been low to no pain. Then... well.. the cramps will come, usually a bit unexpected, and they can be so bad they bring tears to my eyes. Is that abnormal pain? My pain from cramps has been increasing. When I have a lot of pain it's usually -very- high, but is it abnormal? Is pain from cramps supposed to radiate into the depths of the balls of your hip joints? Is it normal cramps to feel like a dagger is being thrust through your gut and twisted? I have nothing to compare, for me that's been normal for a while. Well, maybe a small bit higher than normal but into the bounds of "abnormal"? I can tolerate it, I can still work, I can still type (I'm typing right now).

I started with really light, almost nothing, cramps on Sunday that were mostly not there, nothing more than occassional background noise. They got worse yesterday after the doc appointment (after he had prodded the spot), but were still very tolerable.

Tonight, though, I was gritting through a really bad blast (they seem to come in waves at times) but wanted to make something to eat. I got the bowl for the cream corn (warm and kinda filling) but forgot to get a spoon. Thrax was behind me, over near the flatware drawer. Gritting back pain, in a weak plantive voice I asked him if he could get me a spoon. I wasn't facting him and he wasn't facing me so he didn't see the pain across my face (and hadn't been noticing it earlier, because I was trying, mostly, to hide it, nothing he can do to help, ya know). To him it sounded like I was asking for a spoon like it was the end of the world and he.. well.. commented. Completely out of context, yeah it probably did sound like something kinda manipulative, or something. I spoke louder and told him it wasn't that it was the end of the world just that I was in pain.

I'm not complaining or anything.. well.. yes.. I am. This frelling thing IS affecting my life in so many ways. I am having to accomodate it. I can't stop being in the world at large and I am supposed to be some sort of strong person who's always chipper. Or at least I'm not suppose to let pain effect how I do anything.. anywhere.

At work, yes, it has been noticed that I'm a little.. well.. not fully 100%. I had a span today where I was mostly pain free and I needed to do a presentation so the bit of pain I did have, I could ignore. After I did the presentation, my co-worker who is more than a bit flighty turned to me and made a comment about how much evergy and bounce I seemed to have for the presentation that I haven't had in a while... yeah.. I know.. it's that whole dizzy 90% of the time and the random pain til I cry thing that kinda gets me down.

I still don't have a date for the surgery. I'm going to call tomorrow and find out if there's any problems.

I should call the regular doc, too. Girly bits that might be squickyCollapse )

Back to the whole, I hurt, thing. The cramps were bad enough this morning, they woke me up from sleeping around 5 am. I should take some Motrin (which is why I needed to eat something) and hopefully the pain will be dulled enough to sleep. I'd love to call off from work on account of cramps, but... well.. is pain really that difficult to just work through? wait.. yes.. yes it can be. and yes, this is rising into that level.

I HATE calling off for pain. To me.. or maybe the way I was indoctrinated... that's basically goldbricking. It's not real. I'm not "sick", I'm just in pain. So what if I am sitting in a position to attempt to avoid moving anything except my fingers for fear movement might make it worse. I can just breath deeply and have the pain subside a bit, right?

 
 


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